Lightly Padded, Great Support, Good Lift: Somehow Not About Bras?

Yeah, I did spend way too much time Googing bras and writing down words to use in the title of this post. Don’t judge me! Judge me if you must, just don’t look at my search history. NEVER LOOK AT A WRITER’S SEARCH HISTORY. Moving on!

Hey Fam, 

Today’s topic is one that I’ve always wanted to write about, but it is a difficult one to bring up. I’ve spent a decent amount of time thinking about this one as it is relevant to me in many ways, and thus I will be exploring this from my own perspective and doing my best to do so fairly to both sides. As with everything I do here, it is an open-ended conversation and I do my best to be honest. We are exploring this topic together and perhaps it will be helpful and we both walk away the better for it. 

This is a hard one to write, and a hard one to read for aspiring writers, artists, business owners, etc. It’s a harsh reality that I learned over the years, and this honestly is not meant to call anyone out who knows me personally. It is literally just the frustrating, sad truth. 

Here it goes:

You can’t always count on the people you love to offer you the support you think they should. 

Ugh, I hated writing that. But, it needs to be said. I’m sure ANYONE who has attempted a side hustle will understand right away, you will generally get a lot more support from people you don’t even know. People who are willing to invest in your work or product, people who will actually look at it, read it, or try it. 

There is a huge expectation when you start something, that your family and friends will throw their support behind you and lift you up. But that level of support is often, sadly, a lot to ask for. Even for something as simple as “follow my Instagram and like my posts” is something that people will agree to do, but are generally, and unfortunately, unlikely to keep up with. 

Years ago I started making and selling soap. I got so much hype from people when I was conceiving the idea, I thought to myself, “this is going to be great!” I began to make vegan, cruelty-free soaps with responsibly sourced ingredients, no fragrances or colourants added. I had a couple of those family members who bought a few bars over the three years that I was making soap. My two besties bought some, and the one who still lives in the province (hi Kristina!) still buys bars from me if I have them.  

BUT, there was one woman, my brother-in-law’s hair stylist. She and the folk working at her salon would buy entire batches from me at a time, I mean like 2 full batches that made 12 bars each. They were incredible, never asked for a discount, and they all used it in their homes, loving the product and wanting more. I never met a single one of them, but their support of someone they didn’t even know brought me to tears every time they asked for another 12-24 bars. As a maker of a thing, this was beyond the support I ever thought I could have. 

On one hand it was incredible, but on the other it was a stark reminder of the truth. For a long time it hurt and it made me bitter, resentful, and so on. Especially when there were people I knew who went out of their way to support other small businesses making and selling the exact same thing, at double the price, when I was standing right there. 

Later, when I began pursuing an education and future in writing, it was like pulling teeth to get people to read my work. I would write a poem that I felt so proud of, and the majority of conversations went like this:

Them: “Thanks for sharing your poem, Rune. I don’t really understand poetry though.”

Rune: “That’s nice, fucking read it anyway.”

And maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. Honestly, I’ll never know and I learned to stop asking. 

I learned to not take it personally. Even though it felt… and still feels DEEPLY personal. Even now, in the early stages of this blog I cast a net wide, informing everyone I care about that there is a new post and I think maybe 30% of them read it. Maybe 5% comment. Even fewer share it with those they know. 

Sometimes it be’s like that, fam.

Am I upset about it? Nah. This whole thing is about my exploration of my craft and not about shares, likes, whatever. It’s about doing the thing and I keep that in mind each and every time I hit ‘post’ on the blog. Sure, making money off my together-slapping of words is the dream, but it is not the reason.

Anyway.

My best advice is this:

Find a community that shares your interest/art/work, whether in person, online, in school, wherever. Where you can learn to feel comfortable sharing your work and getting feedback and support from them.  I used to be terrified to the point of tears to share my work with classmates and now I absolutely love giving and receiving feedback. Just having eyes on my work is enough to make me feel like I am doing something and it helps me push forward, improve, and share again. 

Hence this blog, get it? 

Now, that being said. Don’t take it personally if you find that those closest to you don’t support you in the way you wish they would. I promise it has nothing to do with who you are, or whether or not they believe in you. Sometimes proximity makes things intimidating. 

We’ve all seen a movie, show, book, or game where one person tries to make something and it is AWFUL and the other characters have no idea how to tell them, so they eat gross food, spitting it out when no one is looking, or hide things in the backs of their closets. It is really hard to tell someone that you didn’t like the thing they made. It’s downright terrifying! To the extent that they might not even be able to pick up that manuscript or examine your painting closely. We all avoid things that freak us out. 

Just because this anxiety paralyzes someone, does not mean that they don’t love and value you.

Now, for the other side of this. Yeah, I said we were talking about this from both sides and we are. Life is about understanding one another, so let’s take a good, solid look at the reverse side to this supporting-loved-ones coin. 

If you find yourself on the other side of this, with someone who is asking you to look at something they poured their heart and soul into, just remember one thing: regardless of what you think, art is subjective. It may not be for you, but the fact that you read it, liked the picture, took a moment to admire the technique and growth, and follow their journey, that can be enough. 

“But Rune!” You cry, “What if it isn’t good and then I have to lie?”

To which I say, “But what if you love it? And even if you don't, does that mean you need to lie?”

Constructive criticism is not lying. It is meant to be constructive and honest with the intention of helping the one receiving it grow.

This does not mean it’s appropriate to respond to anything with “I hated it.”

Seriously, don’t do that. 

Use that Goog machine and look up how to give constructive feedback!

Feedback SHOULD NEVER be cruel. It can honestly help someone grow if you tell them, “your story was interesting, but the ending felt very rushed.” or “The mystery was great, but it felt to me like it was too convenient for the main character to solve. I would have appreciated it if it was more of a challenge for them.” 

I’m looking at you Legend of Korra.

Don't come for me, I know why it is the way it is, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

You can bolster that with something you DID like about it, “I really loved how you laid the clues out and I had to piece them together.” and “your setting was very imaginative and I could picture it.”

Knowing what is good about what they created, and what you as a recipient of the creation thinks could be improved on is magical. Even if you don’t have an answer for what could make it better, even if you DO. Let them figure it out, let them grow in their craft and confidence. 

Also keep in mind that there are many, many small pieces that can go into a creation. Like use of space on a page in writing, or canvas size in painting. Your feedback or reaction does not need to be professional, it just needs to come from the heart.

Art will also say different things to different people, relying heavily on the person looking at it. In writing we call it ‘Reader Response Theory’ and, in short, it means that the response and insight inspired in the viewer/reader is a valid form of criticism. What did it make you feel? How did it make you feel that way?

For example; When I read the poem No Coward Soul Is Mine by Emily Brontë. 

To me, as someone who has lived my whole life trying to outrun depression, a creature that moves faster than me, this poem is about resilience. It is about being able to stand in the path of yet another storm and not balk or show fear. It is about knowing that like a boulder in a river, the water breaks around me, and may erode my exterior, but I can remain steadfast. 

But really the poem is about her love and devotion to God, and the strength that her faith gives her. 

See? What you think matters. 

And don’t be afraid to use a language you understand. If you are knowledgeable about music and someone is selling pottery, the language used to appreciate music can still apply. Music has a feel, a vibe, it can sound happy but be sad, it can lead one on a journey with their ears and make them see things in their imagination. Use that. “The flow of this piece is very lyrical” for the shape and silhouette of the pottery in question, or “this is a loud piece. Like a sharp clapping of hands, it draws attention and carries its own beat.”

There is seldom an artist, creator, or small business person who will not smile to themselves and feel absolute pride in knowing that something they did/created made someone feel. That, my friends, is a powerful tool. 

So: Takeaway from this. 

IF YOU CREATE: Don’t always expect those you love to support you in the way that you expect them to. Even if they mean well, they may not have enough time or energy to be your hype engine. Understand that people have lives, and someone’s inability to give you support beyond just believing in you might not be something they are capable of right now. Yeah, creating is hard, but have you tried life recently? 

Find a community you feel safe being part of and learn how amazing it is to be able to share your work and receive feedback. Thank people for the time they took to give you whatever support they can, let them know that you appreciate it from the bottom of your heart. If you NEED something, tell them. “Hey Fam, can you please like, comment, and share this?” when you send it to them can do wonders, and if they can’t, then that is okay, too. 

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO CREATES and this person feels comfortable enough to bare that part of their soul to you, that is a gift. Terrifying, absolutely! It can feel like a lot of responsibility, and when you care about someone it is very intimidating to open yourself up to potentially not loving that thing they created. Just try. 

Look over what they shared with you, find the things you like, tell them what it made you feel or think of. If you’re feeling especially in tune with the piece, you can even dip a toe into the constructive element. “I really loved your use of figurative language, it helped me imagine the scenario. But this line seemed to break that flow for me, it feels out of place.” Things like that are useful! Because nothing said there was bad, or demeaning. The flow of the piece was mentioned, and that disruption… dis…rupted the flow. Was it intentional? Did they even notice it in their own work? Now they will look again, refine their craft, grow. 

Fam, support doesn’t always look like banners in the street and fireworks. It can be quiet and steadfast. It can look like an anonymous comment on a blog, or sharing a post on Instagram. 

No one is perfect.

Except Tom Hiddleston. He is perfect. 

Let’s grow together, and learn the language of supporting and being supported is an ongoing and evolving conversation. Let’s do our best to be Tom Hiddleston. 

Be good to one another. And to yourself.

Love and Cheetos,

~R