All Spoilers Movie Review: Cherry Falls

 

Hey Fam, 

Sorry for the delay in posting! I had an awful headache Sunday and Monday, and try as I might, everything I wrote ended up being a long winded argument about why I should be allowed to buy the 15’ tall Home Depot Skeleton. 

I also created an Instagram account for the blog, @nevermind_anyway_blog, so follow it and make me happy!

So this past Friday I had a movie night with my lady Kristina, who loves three things in this world: Movies, TV, and the man and two cats that live in her house. 

During our movie date we watched the 2000 classic no one saw or heard about, Cherry Falls, and it was a beautiful trainwreck of satire and awful storytelling that has been haunting me. 

Fam, I need to talk about this movie.

It’s starring Brittany Murphy as Jody and that guy who played Hicks in Alien as the sheriff/her creepy-ass dad. Yes, I’m starting this off at 100 because whatever their relationship is supposed to be on screen, s’not coming across quite right. Anyway… The movie is about a serial killer in Cherry Falls, Virginia who is killing… virgins. A little on the nose for my taste, but whatever, I’m not a writing major or anything.

Oh wait…

Let’s do this shit.

So the movie opens in Virgin Falls Cherry Falls, Virginland Virginia and we immediately get to watch Jesse Bradford and a girl named Stacy making out and stuff. Gross. Jesse Bradford whose character is named Rod, because this movie is a giant mushroom-stamp on the nose with all the sex jokes, gets out of the car, like ya do, and he comes back stabbed and stuff  by someone dressed up like a frizzy Muppet. Stacy is safely locked in the car, but then decides that the sounds of Rod dying are too much, so she does what any intelligent person would do, and opens the goddamn door. Stacy dies. I feel nothing.

Then we switch over to Jody and her boyfriend Kenny Ascott (Yes, his last name is listed as ASCOTT on IMDB) are making out in a car and he is trying to pressure her into sex. She tells him no, and he breaks up with her because he is a scab and Jody can do better. Her mother shows up and goes all Stiffler’s Mom on Kenny, with Jody sitting right next to him, cougar-smoking a cigarette like her mouth doesn’t look like a butthole from roughly 600 years of nicotine abuse. 

Buckle up, Peanutbutter Cup, this is just the first example of Jody’s parents being absolute creeps to children. Yes, these are high-school age children. Remember that. 

Once Jody’s mother is finished making the palliative care bedroom eyes at Kenny and leaves, Jody asks Kenny if they are really broken up and his response is something along the lines of “that’s up to you” and, do you hear that? That is the sound of me barfing in my own mouth. Anyway, off Scabby Kenny fucks and Jody sneaks inside thinking her dad won’t know she is past curfew. 

Oh wait, no, he’s creepily just standing in her room in the fucking dark when she gets in and ambushes her. She calls him “Daddy” he calls her “grounded” and I’m calling CPS because it’s been ten minutes and I already can’t handle this Hills Have Eyes family. 

She calls him “Daddy” folks. Unironically. Who wrote this? 

Jody’s dad gets a call about a murder and off he fucks to the crime scene where he finds Stacy and Rod dead with the words ‘virgin’ cut into their skin. 

I wonder what the killer’s m-o is…

Whatever, anyway. 

Then we’re back at the house and subjected to a scene which I could have lived without, where her dad is teaching her some self defense and he throws her to the ground and is suddenly on top of his child and giving her that ‘we should make out’ stare that lasts just a little too long. Gross gross GROSS. 

The next day at school Jody meets up with her bestie Timmy who is probably the best character in this movie, and he tells her about the murders. Meanwhile, a random teacher played by the lost brother of Owen and Luke Wilson, Leonard Marliston is talking to Jody’s dad about the killings and tells him that he should divulge more information about what happened so that there are no secrets being kept. 

Secrets, eh? What secrets dost thou worry about, Marliston? 

Also, Marliston is a pain in the ass to type. Why is that ‘i’ in there? We don’t need this. 

Nevermind. 

Missing link Wilson brother Mr. Marliston is telling the class about the murders and tries to coach the kids through the grief when some dude named Ben and his scarf starts being a prick, asking if the killer did things to the corpses, and Marliston does the lord’s work by wrapping his head in the scarf. Also randomly DJ Qualls is there in the background, looking like every single other character he’s ever played ever. 

Suddenly it's after school and there is a meeting in the gym between the Sheriff and all the parents in town with teenage kids - and no teenage kids are allowed. Haha, except Jody and Timmy because they’re just randomly still in the school after dark. They watch the meeting from the brilliant hiding spot of a clearly visible vantage point, in plain view of everyone in the meeting. Timmy wants to record the meeting for the school paper, but first he needs to borrow Jody’s phone and go alone into a stairwell to make a call. 

Rule #1 of being a highschool student where there is a serial killer and the cops are holding a secret meeting with all the parents in the town in the school gym. Don’t fucking go off alone, Timmy. You’re better than this. Stay with Jody and be safe and ask her how many times she watched Beetlejuice before she got that haircut. 

Clearly he didn’t hear me yelling at the TV because he does just that and suddenly Jody is alone in an empty school at night with a serial killer on the loose and no cell phone. Sounds like an okay time if you ask me. 

She goes looking for her friend after literally 3 seconds because she wants her phone back, teenagers and their phones, amirite? And, wait, he isn’t in the stairwell. No, he’s dead in a locker in the school’s changeroom. 

Suddenly the killer, frizzy as ever, tries to gank Jody. She gets away and they race through the school. Jody does the self-defense stuff creepy dad showed her before he decided to lay his full grown man body on his own child (again I barf) but it doesn't work and the killer slams her head into a locker. Zoinks. More hilarity ensues and they end up in a science classroom where Jody is an absolute queen and starts throwing every fucking thing that isn’t nailed down at the killer. We’re talking beakers, jars with creepy lab specimens, books, oh and a random fiberglass shark that is hanging from the roof that she cuts the cord on and sends flying right into the gangly body of Evil Ms. Frizzle. Iconic. This was the moment where I started to like Jody. 

You better not let me down, Jody.

Nightmare Ms. Frizzle goes through a terrarium and Jody runs into the hall screaming just in time for creepfest Sheriff Dad to turn up and calm her tits. He goes to look for the killer, but it appears that she has flung her Slenderwoman ass out a window and escaped. 

At the police station Jody gives a description of the killer, which basically consists of “yeah, she was wearing all black and looks like a Jim Hensen puppet” and thanks to late 90’s technology suddenly a perfect rendition of the killer is generated. Because that was ever believable. We can’t even get clear security camera footage in 90% of 2022 crimes, but we have this? Stahp. 

Jody eavesdrops on her creepy dad by just… picking up the phone next to her in the police station, and hears him talking to the school principal Tom Sisler, which like… really, you’re not just going to name this guy Sizzler? Papa Sheriff tells Principle Sizzler that the killer composite sketch looks like someone named Lora Lee Sherman and both seem freaked out by the idea. 

Sus. 

SO. It turns out that surviving an attack from a serial killer means that you’re a celebrity and everyone suddenly wants to be your friend. Even your weird teacher, and Dawson’s Creek reject, Mr Marliston, who is actually fanboying and reaching out a hand to her in a way that even in the wild west era of the late 90s and early 2000s would have been weird.

Shockingly, Kenny turns up and is like “Omg, Jody I love you, let’s be not-broken-up because I’m a crusty sleaze.” 

To which Jody says “Ok! You only pressured me into having sex with you and then broke up with me when I told you that isn’t want I wanted and then started making out with random girls around the school to hurt my feelings, but it’s totally fine because true love concurs all.” 

Or some shit like that. 

Jody. You were a total BOSS against the bad Bride of Frankenstein cosplayer, can we also be a total boss and hoof this dude in the coin purse? 

Jody decides to do some research on Lora Lee Sherman and finds some creepy articles just in time for her mother to show up to tell the story, eliminating the need for her to have done any research at all. Apparently, some 25 years ago this girl, Lora Lee, who was a loner and had no friends, was attacked and r*ped by 4 guys from the high-school, two of whom are Principal Sizzler and Papa Sheriff (See, we all knew he was a creep). She tried to tell people, but no one listened because these boys were perfect and the incident would have given the town a bad wrap… so Lora Lee fled to the outskirts of town where she lived in solitude which, can you blame her? This town is full of real winners. 

And this is where I needed to take a moment to say some things from on top of my soap box. First of all; we believe victims, so don’t be trash. This movie came out 22 years ago, not that long ago at ALL. This sort of thing, when used as a plot device, needs to elicit only one reaction from people, which is “What the hell, what part of our system is so broken that no one helped this girl?” and not “Well yeah, because this shit still happens to this day so it is wholly unsurprising.” We need to do better for victims of alleged crimes, because it is possible to believe a victim while also holding the accused in our minds as innocent until proven guilty. AND B. Jody’s Mom, you KNEW your husband was a predator and you STILL married him? Are you fucking kidding me? DO. BETTER. I don’t care what your excuses are. UGH. Ok, rant over, for now.

So being a teenager with a functioning brain, Jody decides that the best way to deal with her parents being trash is to go to her crusty scab of a boyfriend’s house and tell him to bite her toes. Which he does? N… no, why did this scene make it into the movie? WHO WROTE THIS? Well, then Jody tries to do the frikkity frak with Kenny and his toe mouth, literally exactly what he wanted before, he tells her… no? Saying that she is only doing it because she’s mad at her parents. My guy, you put her toe in your mouth, there’s no going back from that. 

Jody leaves, and this is when we hear that word of a killer in Vigrinville, Virginland, population highschool virgins and bad parents, has gotten around, and the students have a solution. 

An orgy. Brilliant. 

But also like, how does the killer know who is and isn’t a ‘virgin’? Who is keeping track of this information???

The local kids find an abandoned house to get it on like Donkey Kong and Sheriff Jody’s Dad goes to the school to talk to Sizzler, but finds him dead with the words ‘Virgin Not’ on his forehead. W-what? I, I can’t with this movie. Thennnnnnnnn Papa Sheriff then gets knocked out before he can do anything. 

Yikes.

Jody, who has declined Kenny’s romantic offer to attend an orgy, but still wants to go for… the ambiance or whatever, decides instead to ride her bike around town. Alone. With a serial killer on the loose. Who has already tried to kill her once. Jody, we need to talk. This is when she ends up at her teacher’s house, Mr. Just-Another-Creepy-Adult-In-This-Movie, and finds him dragging a massive trunk into his house. Jody, unlike every other high-schooler in the history of ever, doesn’t just scoot her on past his house avoiding eye-contact with her teacher. No, she stops her bike and decides to help him move the weirdly heavy trunk into his house. 

Jody, why?

After they push the trunk down the stairs and it bangs into the wall at the bottom, Jody, without a hint of self-preservation, asks what’s inside the big box they and her teacher is like “lol ur dad” then knocks her out. 

Sigh. 

Now we cut over to Kenny, who wouldn’t’cha know it, just can’t enjoy the teenage sex party without Jody. Somehow a character with zero personality and no character development up to this point decides to go find the girl he has been manipulating - because when he isn’t trying to guilt a girl into fucking him, and then gaslighting her into thinking that she’s trash for wanting sex, and then going to an orgy with someone else because suddenly this girl decides she would rather bike around ALONE with a serial killer on the loose… Kenny has like, feelings and stuff. 

Sure you do, Kenny.

Jody wakes up tied to some very expensive looking metal torture equipment that was apparently purchased on a teacher’s salary, and sees her dad is also tied up. Marliston shares the happy news that he is Lora Lee’s kid while putting on his dress and wig, and makes Papa Sheriff tell the story of what happened to Lora Lee Sherman while he does his makeup. 

So, apparently the story was true. Lora Lee’s car broke down when Baby Jody’s Dad and his group of hooligans roll up, all drunk, because that’s safe. 

It isn’t, please don’t do this.

They get out to help her and instead attack her. Pre-Jody’s Dad is unconscious and after everyone else assaults Lora Lee, they literally pick him up by his arms and legs and swing his mostly unconscious body around so that he gets to also commit a sexual assault? Implying I guess that the Sheriff is his father but like… do we have receipts to show that is true? What about the other two criminals that got away with the crime? Did I miss their murders?

I don’t care.

This attack, and the exactly ZERO support we know she received, caused Lora Lee to become a “psyco” gross, and because of this Lora Lee was abusive to her child and thus Marliston came to be. 

His genius plan? Hooooo boy, it’s a doozy: Start killing virgins, because he somehow can just tell if someone is or isn’t by looking at them I guess? And entice the student population to have a GIANT orgy so that all the parents of the town - who are to blame I guess for the fact that his mother was assaulted by 4 drunk assholes and got no help from the authorities AND instead was shunned and forced to live on the fringes of society as an outcast - are robbed of their children’s… virginities… Wait, what? Let me read that again. Yep, nope, that was his plan. 

Because the sexual activity of teenagers is such a valuable commodity that it MUST be preserved until marriage or else these children are worthless. Just like I’m sure all their parents had never taken the bone train to regretsville before marriage. 

Fucking. Yikes. 

We’re almost done, I promise.

I’m just going to breeze past this because it’s for the best. 

Kenny shows up to rescue the girl, because of course he does. Sleezebag father sacrifices himself to save Jody, because of course he does. Jody and Kenny run to the one place where they will be safe and no one would ever get hurt, the abandoned house where the orgy is happening, because of course they do Jesus Christ who wrote this movie? Marliston kills a cop, then he kills a bunch of fleeing mostly naked teens (which is a hilarious stampede scene, I will admit), because what’s a slasher film without implied underage nudity? Jody throws Marliston over a railing where he is impaled on a broken fence and they think he’s dead, but then he isn’t and the deputy feeds him a lead breakfast with a side order of bullets and he dies. Jody and Kenny, who has been seriously wounded and hopefully doesn’t make it I don’t know because we don’t see him again in this movie THANK GOD, do the touching forehead thing and everyone who isn’t dead is safe and not dead. The last scene is Jody getting into a car outside of the police station with her mother, who’s face hole looks like the top of an heirloom tomato, and catches a glimpse of someone who looks like Lora Lee Sherman across the street before she vanishes behind a bus. They drive out of town and the waterfall turns red with all the power of 2000 CGI. THE END. 

Wheeze. 

Ok. I said at the top of this review that this movie was satire, and it is, I just also think it’s a B rated slasher film where the element of satire wasn’t executed in a way that was most effective. 

The movie was fun to watch, in the way that any B horror film is entertaining. It’s fun because it’s bad, and since this one tries not to take itself seriously, it’s a little more fun. 

I also appreciated that Jody wasn’t our typical Final Girl trope. That scene in the science room where she kicks the killers entire ass is amazing, and I wanted MORE of that! The fact that she had to be rescued by toe-biter Kenny just irked me. We were shown that Jody knows some self defense, that she can think on her feet, and throw a mean beaker at a serial killer. So what the hell happened? I think if they had grabbed onto that element of her character and expanded on that the satire would have been effective! Just think, a cheesy movie making fun of the slasher genre’s obsession with purity and morality, Jody routinely kicking the shit out of the serial killer but they keep getting away in increasingly more ridiculous ways? I’d watch the crap out of that movie. 

On the topic of purity and morality in the slasher genre: I did appreciate that not just girls were targeted by this killer, because if teenage girls are slaughtered, teenage boys should be too. But at the same time, we are talking about high-school age children. Teenagers are children, (sorry teenagers, you will agree with me when you are 35) your rebellion just proves my point and is unimpressive to literally everyone who can vote and buy booze. 

It is also important to note that for once in a slasher movie, being the virgin does not guarantee your safety, which is an interesting take. But also, can we leave that whole element of the genre behind? It was an old trope to begin with and I’m kinda bored with the whole judging promiscuity in my movies. Let’s go after a different element of the human experience, like men with poor personal hygiene or people who keep talking to you while you’re trying to read. 

The whole murder plot, the reasons why Marliston was killing virgins, was also so non-sensical. AGAIN, I know it’s satire, but give me an actual reason for the rampage that makes sense. Or give me a little more information, how did Marliston get from “my mother was assaulted by 4 drunk guys and the resulting trauma and lack of care caused her to become violent toward the child of one of her attackers'' to “I want to rob the town of all its virgins.” I get that the missing Wilson brother needs some serious help, but what the actual fuck was he on when he came up with that… I hesitate to even call it a plan. Maybe I’m missing something, I don’t plan on watching the movie again so I’ll never know, but I even checked the Wikipedia and a couple synopsis for this movie and I don’t think I did. 

Now, for the last bit, which isn’t really a review but just a weird fact about this movie. Apparently it had to be re-cut several times to meet censorship guidelines, and there were issues with the production company, so it never received a theatrical release, instead it was shown on television. The budget was 14 million and because it was never shown in movie theaters it is the most expensive TV movie for a long time, I say “a long time” because I’m not sure if that is still the case with the rise of streaming services and big budget TV projects. I tried to Goog “most expensive TV movie ever made” but didn’t see anything relevant in the 20 seconds I searched. 

So, how do I, a random person on the internet whose opinion carries zero weight rate this film?

For the movie title I’m giving it a 2 out of 10, because “Cherry Falls” is a really dumb name. 

Writing, I’m going to be generous because I know this was meant to be a satire, so we’ll say 6.5 out of 10. 

Kenny gets 0 out of 10.

Brittany Murphy is always a 10 out of 10 for me. 

Jody’s parents get a negative 10 out of 10 because holy balls they are just… shudder.

And finally, the end credits actually get an 8 out of 10 because they go from top to bottom, which is fun and different. Also there is a disclaimer that no virgins were hurt during the making of the film, hehe, cute. 

Overall, I give Cherry Falls 6.5 toes in Kenny’s mouth out of 10. It’s a fun B movie with some good moments, so give it a watch if you like that sort of thang! It’s no masterpiece, but I think it had potential, and that’s something I don’t see a lot. 

Alright Fam, let me know what you think about this review! Have you seen this movie? Did you like it? Talk to me! 

Also, a brief aside. My university classes begin this week, so if my posting is delayed I apologize. I’d still like to post at least one thing a week, even if it is just a small thing. If you have any ideas of what I should write about, let me know! 

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As always, be weird and stay safe. 

-R